Christmas With the Jokers
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Spending the holiday season with the Joker and Harley Quinn proves to be a blast for all involved - 'tis the season to be jolly, after all! Happy holidays, everyone! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Christmas With the Jokers**

"Excuse you, creep!" snapped Poison Ivy, resisting the urge to punch the man who had just run into her without a word of apology. She didn't know what it was about the holidays that made people so rude and aggressive. Well, she was beginning to figure it out, she thought, as another fellow shopper knocked against her without apologizing. This Christmas shopping was a nightmare, enough to make anyone lose their temper. She didn't even know why she bothered facing the crowds – she didn't really have anyone to buy for, aside from Harley and Selina. And this Christmas she intended to spend very much like last Christmas – all alone, relaxing and pampering herself with a nice hot bath and a full body massage. Let other people stress over the holidays. Ivy didn't have any loved ones making her life a living hell, and it was always at Christmas that she was most grateful for that. People were more trouble than they were worth, especially when you had to be around them.

She cursed humanity in general again as she pushed through the crowd of people and entered the department store. She was kinda disappointed nobody had recognized her yet – that always tended to clear away the crowds. Maybe if she summoned a few of her plants to burst through the floor and start strangling a couple people, the footfall would thin out. She was seriously considering doing that – all the noise was starting to give her a headache. Between people shouting to each other and talking on their phones and the screaming children, she could barely hear herself think.

"Oh please buy me that, Daddy! I want it! Please, please, please!" came an annoying voice. Ivy sighed, rolling her eyes. Kids today were such spoiled, whiny brats.

The voice continued, "I really, really want it, Daddy! Please, please, please, please, please! I'll be a really, really good girl later!"

"I ain't paying for that, you greedy brat, so just shut your goddamn mouth, would ya?!" snapped a voice in response, a voice Ivy recognized with a sudden start. She turned the corner and saw the Joker and Harley Quinn standing by a shelf full of candy, with Harley tugging at Joker's arm pleadingly.

"But Daddy, I want it! Please, please, please, please…"

"All right, if it'll shut you up!" he shouted, grabbing a giant lollipop off the shelf and thrusting it at her. "Here, you whiny brat!"

Harley shrieked in happiness, clapping her hands and throwing her arms around his neck, kissing him. "Aw, Mr. J, you're the greatest!" she exclaimed. Then she ripped the plastic off the lollipop and began licking it enthusiastically.

The crowd was very thin around the two of them, and people were clearly trying not to stare. Harley did a fairly good job blending in with normal people, aside from the fact that she was wearing a pink shirt that was clearly a couple sizes too small for her and read _Daddy's Little Princess_ across the front. Her blonde hair was done up in pigtails to complete the impression of a child. But it was impossible for the Joker to pass for an everyday shopper, and even the holiday crowds gave him a fair amount of distance, only daring to glance at him uneasily.

Harley looked up at that moment to see Ivy gaping at them in astonishment. "Red!" she cried, her face lighting up as she rushed to hug her. "What a swell surprise! What are you doing here?"

"Christmas shopping, the same as you guys, I guess," replied Ivy, recovering from her shock.

"Actually, we only came out to get a lightbulb," replied Joker, coming over to them. "I shoved Harley into the lamp and her face shattered it. But pumpkin wanted to look at the Christmas toys since we were already here. And I just can't say no to those big baby blues, can I, pooh bear?" he asked, tilting her chin up.

She giggled and kissed him. "I guess not, Mr. J," she murmured, licking her lollipop again and grinning. "Anyway, I need some ideas about what to ask Santa for. He spoils me so much the rest of the year that it's sometimes hard to find stuff you want at Christ…oooh, Mr. J!" she exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as she rushed over to a shelf full of stuffed animals. She picked up a giant stuffed dog and bounded back over to them, looking up at Joker pleadingly. "Can I have him, puddin'? Can I please? He's just so soft and cuddly! Please, please, please, please…"

"You already got a million stuffed animals, kid, they take up half the bed!" retorted Joker.

"But just feel how snuggly this one is, Mr. J!" whined Harley. "Don't he just make you wanna squeeze and squeeze him until his head pops off?" She squealed and clutched the toy to her, beaming in happiness.

Joker snatched it out of her hands and put it back on the shelf. "Just wait and see what Santa brings you, ok, kiddo?" he snapped.

"But I want it, Mr. J!" whined Harley, stamping her foot.

"And I said no!" he shouted. "Now behave yourself or you'll get a spanking from Daddy!"

She folded her arms across her chest, scrunching up her face in annoyance. "You wouldn't dare spank me in front of all these people, Mr. J!" she snapped.

In response, he seized her in his arms and turned her around, then spanked her hard several times. Harley shrieked in delight. "Oh, Mr. J!" she cried, clearly loving it.

He released her and shoved her away. "There. I hope you've learned your lesson about acting like a spoiled brat."

"I'm not sure I did, puddin'," she breathed, gazing at him in adoration. "You wanna go home and punish your little girl some more?"

"Not before we pick up this goddamn lightbulb," he retorted, grabbing her arm and pulling her away from the toy section. "So what are your plans for the holidays, Pammie?" he asked Ivy, as they walked toward the electrical section, Harley struggling to get free and back to the toys. "Got a lot of family and friends to see, no doubt?"

"Nope," replied Ivy. "Not a one. I'm spending Christmas pampering myself."

"What, all alone?" asked Harley, suddenly horrified. "Aw, Red, that's the saddest thing I ever heard! All alone over Christmas! Geez, you must really feel like you've failed at life during the holidays!"

"Why would I feel like that?" asked Ivy, puzzled.

"Well, y'know, Christmas is when you celebrate all that's great about having lots of people who love you, especially that special someone who loves you," murmured Harley, nuzzling Joker's face. "To have no one to be with over Christmas, it's like…it's like you ain't got nothing."

"You're right, Harley, it means I don't have any stress or anxiety or problems," retorted Ivy. "No difficult family to put up with, no demanding relationship to worry about, no bunch of tricky friends to buy presents for. I can just relax and take it easy like people are meant to on holidays."

Harley shrugged. "You can look at it that way if you want, Red. But personally I just feel sorry for you."

"Thank you, Harley," retorted Ivy, sarcastically. "I really appreciate your sympathy."

They had reached the electrical section and Joker began looking for bulbs. "Puddin'," began Harley, slowly. "Couldn't Red…spend Christmas with us?"

"No!" Joker and Ivy both snapped at exactly the same time.

"No, really, it's ok, Harley," retorted Ivy, hastily. "I'm really, really looking forward to spending it on my own. Really."

"Aw, but Red, it'll ruin my Christmas if I have to think about you sitting in your hideout all alone," murmured Harley. "I'll just be too sad for you to enjoy any of my presents. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it!"

And she sobbed, embracing Joker tightly and crying into his chest. "Look, pooh, Pammie's said she's perfectly happy spending Christmas on her own," he said, patting her head gently. "If she's fine with it, why aren't you?"

"Because," sobbed Harley, "Red always puts on such a brave face about everything, but I can tell she's really heartbroken and lonely deep down inside. I just know she'd secretly love to spend Christmas with us, puddin'!"

"No, I really wouldn't," snapped Ivy. "The last time I stayed with you two I ended up wanting to murder you. And that would really spoil Christmas for you, wouldn't it, Harley?"

"Nah, not really," retorted Harley. "Mr. J usually tries to kill me every year, in fact. Kinda our running Christmas gag, ain't it, puddin'?"

"She calls it a gag; I call it hope," he retorted.

"Aw, puddin', you're such a kidder!" sighed Harley, kissing his cheek. "C'mon, Red, it would be really fun for us all to spend Christmas together!"

"No, it would not be fun!" snapped Ivy. "Nothing involving the three of us is ever fun! J and I hate each other, I hate the way you act when you're around him, and you hate the fact that we hate each other! It's never going to end well, Harley! And I don't want to be dreading the holidays just like everyone else on the planet does! So please just drop this and let me spend Christmas on my own!"

Harley shrugged. "Fine. Just trying to be nice," she sniffed. "You let me know if you change your mind, Red."

"Oh, believe me, I won't," retorted Ivy, firmly.

"You will still come to our party, though, won't you?" asked Harley. "Y'know, Mr. J's usual big Christmas Eve bash?"

"Actually, I was thinking of skipping it this year if it's all the same to you," replied Ivy. "Harvey's going to be there, isn't he? I don't want things being awkward between us to ruin the party atmosphere."

"I thought things were ok between you after the break-up," said Harley, frowning. "Because it was a mutual decision by two mature adults, right? That's what you told me."

"Yeah, that's before I realized he was a jerk," retorted Ivy. "We thought it would be fine if we worked together on a job, but when the Bat showed up to stop us, Harvey flipped a coin and split, leaving me to deal with Batsy on my own. I've only just broken out of Arkham and I'm not forgiving Harvey for that."

"Aw, it ain't his fault, Red, he's just completely psychologically dependent on that coin," said Harley. "It's an obsessive compulsion, nothing he can control. He's not responsible for his actions."

"Thank you, Little Miss Shrink," snapped Ivy. "But I'm not letting him off that easily. People have to take responsibility for their behavior, even when they have compulsions. If being repeatedly locked up in Arkham has taught me anything, it's taught me that."

"It's taught me that there are 7,821 ways to break out of it that I've discovered so far," chuckled Joker. "And that they scrape the bottom of the qualification barrel when they hire shrinks."

"I was a shrink at Arkham, Mr. J!" snapped Harley, scowling at him.

"And didn't you just put all those other losers to shame, my clever little cupcake?" cooed Joker, patting her head affectionately. "Who's Daddy's favorite little doctor?"

"Me!" shrieked Harley, clapping her hands in excitement. "Is it me, Mr. J?"

"No, it's Hush," he retorted. Her face fell in disappointment. "Of course it's you, you dumb blonde!" he exclaimed, laughing. She squeaked and hugged him tightly.

"It would have been a boring place to spend the holidays," continued Ivy. "The only other people in there at the moment are Croc, Nygma, and the Ventriloquist. And I didn't want to spend Christmas talking to either of the three dummies."

"Nice gag, Pammie," said Joker, grinning.

"I had a lot of time to think it up," she replied. "Anyway, I hope you won't be too offended if I don't come to your party this year."

Harley stared at her, tears forming in her eyes. "Doncha like us anymore, Red?" she murmured.

"Of course I like you, Harley," replied Ivy, soothingly. "But I can't really say the same for anyone else who's going to be at the party."

"Aw, c'mon, Red, you like Johnny Crane, he's a sweetheart!" exclaimed Harley. "And Jervis Tetch, he's a nice guy! And Victor Fries is coming – he's always fun to talk to, except if you mention his wife, then it's all 'Nora' this and 'Nora' that. Guy's got a real unhealthy obsession. But Selina will be there. Oh, and Basil Karlo – he's a laugh riot! You remember last year when he did his Batman impression?"

"I remember J was so convinced by it that he ended up trying to stab him with a toasting fork," retorted Ivy. "So then he and Karlo got into a fight and knocked the tree over and set the carpet on fire. And then we had to spend about half an hour freezing outside in the snow while Victor tried to freeze the blaze, only for us all to be caught at last by the real Bat and dragged back to Arkham."

"Yeah, it was a good party last year!" chuckled Joker.

"Like I said, I'm trying to avoid excitement and incarceration this year," retorted Ivy. "So thanks for the invite, but no thanks, Harley."

"Aw, but Red, it won't be the same without you!" cried Harley. "You gotta come, you just gotta! Please, please, please, please, please? For me?"

"Harley…"

"You gotta come, Red!" she sobbed. "Or the whole party will be ruined! Make her come, Mr. J!" she shouted, rounding on him.

Joker grinned. "Pammie, if you don't come to the party, I'll have old Bas come as you and see that he makes a total fool of you in front of everyone. Might even convince him to do a real melodramatic performance and have you fall down on your knees and beg Harvey to take you back."

"You wouldn't dare!" hissed Ivy.

"I really don't think you want to challenge me, Pammie," replied Joker, smiling.

"I won't be blackmailed into coming to your stupid party!" shouted Ivy.

"I think you just have been," retorted Joker. "Game, set, and match, Weed Lady."

"Oh, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, leaping into his arms. "Oh, you're the greatest, puddin'!"

"We'll see you Christmas Eve then, shall we, Pammie?" grinned Joker.

She nodded reluctantly. "Fine. But I'm leaving early."

"Thanks, Red, it really means a lot to me that you'll be there," said Harley, beaming at her. "I know it's still a few weeks away, but me and Mr. J have got a lotta work to do to prepare for it. So we'd better get home and get started, right, puddin'?" she asked, turning to him.

"Sure, kiddo, let's beat it," said Joker, taking the lightbulb from the shelf and heading for the exit with Harley following him, resuming licking her lollipop.

"Excuse me, sir, are you going to pay for those?" asked a voice. They turned to see a security guard standing behind them, whose face sank in horror as he realized who he had just stopped.

Joker smiled at him. "Do I look like the kinda guy who pays for stuff, sport?"

"Teach him a lesson, Mr. J," murmured Harley, licking her lollipop.

"Stop telling me what to do, you dumb broad!" snapped Joker, rounding on her and snatching the lollipop away. Harley shrieked and jumped to grab it back, but he pulled it away just in time, sending her hurtling into the security guard. She knocked him over and then grabbed the gun at his belt, spinning around and pointing it at Joker.

"Give it back!" she shrieked.

"Make me!" he chuckled, rushing out of the store. Harley raced after him, firing bullets at him. She chased him through the mall, shooting the gun erratically and hitting stray shoppers, all of whom were panicking and fleeing the mall in the chaos. Joker suddenly stopped, laughing and holding up his hands. "Wait, wait, I've got a great one, kid!" he exclaimed as Harley pointed the gun at him. "Christmas shopping is murder these days!"

He laughed hysterically. Harley didn't. "Why ain't you laughing?" he snapped.

"You've used that one before, Mr. J," replied Harley.

He stopped laughing abruptly, his face darkening. "I don't reuse jokes, Harley," he retorted.

"Yeah, you just did, you used it a couple months back…"

"I don't reuse jokes, Harley!" he shouted, suddenly furious.

"Hey, I can't help that you're getting forgetful in your old age!" retorted Harley.

"In my…what?" demanded Joker.

"In your old age," she repeated. "Now give me back my lollipop, grandpa, or it won't be funny!"

He glared back at her. She cocked the gun, but he suddenly seized her wrist and spun her around, spanking her hard several times. "You don't talk to me like that, you little brat!" he shouted.

He released her and she immediately threw herself into his arms, kissing him passionately. "C'mon, puddin', let's go home," she whispered.

"Thanks for clearing out the crowds, Harley!" called Ivy, waving after them. "See you on Christmas Eve!"

She went back to her shopping in the empty mall with a smile on her face. At least the clowns were good for something.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la, la la la la_!" sang Harley as she pinned holly around the walls of the hideout. "_Tis the season to be_…"

She shrieked as dust, bricks, and mortar suddenly fell everywhere as something crashed through the roof of the hideout. She was stunned to see, coughing as the dust cleared, a giant Christmas tree, all set up in its stand, completely decorated, with the top of it sticking out into the sky. "Thanks for the lift, boys!" chuckled Joker, as he emerged from the tree.

"You got sap all over your suit, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, rushing over to him and trying to brush him down.

"What can I say, baby, I'm a sappy guy!" he laughed, kissing her. Harley giggled, beaming at him.

"I love how you're always so happy at Christmas, Mr. J!" she said.

"Well, 'tis the season to be jolly, Harley baby," he replied, smiling at her. "It's the one season of the year where everybody in the world shares my good mood!"

She kissed him. "Where'd you find the tree, Mr. J?" she asked, turning to face it.

"Oh, it's the one they had set up in the square," he said. "I thought it would look better in our place."

"It's a little tall," she said, squinting to see the top. "And won't Bats know you've stolen it and try to get it back?"

Joker shrugged. "Oh, probably. He's the World's Greatest Detective, ain't he? He'd be a pretty crap detective if he missed the tree when it's right in plain sight. We'll just have to cut it down to size!" he laughed, leaving the room and returning a few moments later with a chainsaw. He revved it up and then applied it to the trunk, singing an impromptu version of "Jingle Bells": "_Sawing through the tree, with a big, sharp, pointy chain, slicing it in two, wish it was Batsy's brain_!"

He kept laughing as Harley kissed his cheek and left him to it, heading to the kitchen to check on her cookies. She opened the oven to discover that they were burnt, but still edible. She was pleased – normally she burnt them so they were inedible. Baking wasn't one of her talents. But the gingerbread men were only slightly blackened, and she thought that would add something to effect as she reached for the frosting and sprinkles. They were meant to be the Dark Knight, after all, and Bats wore a lotta black.

She was just in the middle of icing a pool of blood around each of the ginger-Batmen when she heard Joker shout "Timber!" and then a loud crash.

He appeared in the kitchen a moment later. "I think we're gonna need to get the boys to help us put the tree back in its stand. Also, we're gonna need to redecorate – most of the lights and bangles smashed when it hit the ground."

"That's ok, puddin', they were pretty boring decorations anyway," said Harley, continuing to ice the cookies. "Cliched and generic. I'll get our ornaments out in a second."

Joker grabbed a cookie and bit off the head. "Hey, these ain't bad, pooh," he said, sounding surprised.

"Thanks, Mr. J," she replied, beaming. She slapped his hand as he reached for another one. "Don't eat 'em all, they're for the party!"

"Don't tell me what to do, you dumb blonde, or Santa ain't bringing you any presents this year," he retorted, ignoring her and helping himself to another cookie.

"I need to write my letter, don't I, Mr. J?" she asked. "Or Santa ain't gonna know what I want for Christmas."

He spanked her playfully. "Santa always knows what you want, kiddo," he murmured. "You wanna end up on his naughty list, doncha, pooh?"

"Oh, Mr. C," she breathed as he kissed her. "Can your little girl sit on your lap and tell you how naughty she's been?"

"Ho, ho, ho, baby," he murmured. He kissed her nose and said, "Santa will reward his naughty and nice girl in a bit. Just gonna call the boys to help with the tree."

Harley received another kiss before he left and went back to her work indescribably happy. She loved Christmas – it always put Mr. J in a good mood.

After the cookies were iced, she went back into the main room where she saw the henchmen struggling to lift up the tree and place it in its stand, while Joker was rummaging through the closet.

"Where have you hidden my ornaments, kid?" he asked, noticing her.

"They're just at the back of the top shelf, Mr. J," she replied, going over and taking out a box for him. "Got the lights all untangled for you too," she said, pulling out several strings of purple and green Christmas tree lights.

"Thanks, sweets, you're the greatest," he said, kissing her cheek. "Good little girls like you get lots of presents from Daddy Claus."

"Oh, I'll be a real good girl, Santa baby," she whispered. "All you gotta do is slide down my chimney."

He giggled and pinched her cheek. "I tell ya, pooh, you just can't help being merry this time of year!" he said. "Even old Bats can't be his usual brooding self! You think he and the Boy Blunder get a tree and have egg nog around the fire?"

"Don't really like to think about what Bats and the Boy Blunder do around the fire," retorted Harley.

Joker laughed again as he went over to the tree and climbed up the ladder, Harley holding the base of it steady for him. He opened the box he was carrying to reveal a set of ornaments – Robin, Batgirl, and Nightwing all with nooses around their necks, which he hung on the tree branches. Then he pulled out the decoration for the top of the tree – a figure of Batman tied to a rocket.

"Aw, with Bats up it's really starting to feel like Christmas!" he exclaimed, standing back and smiling. "You think he's got a figure of me he puts on the tree, pooh bear?"

"Probably not. Bats isn't very fun," replied Harley. "He's probably a real grinch at Christmas."

"Probably," agreed Joker. "I mean, peace on earth and goodwill to all men? Bats doesn't want that crap. He'd get bored. And he just ain't a very nice guy when you get right down to it. Doesn't have that generous spirit, that holiday feeling, that Christmas glow. Not like me. Nothing makes me happier than spreading a little joy and laughter at this time of year."

"You're a saint, puddin'," breathed Harley, kissing him.

He snapped his fingers suddenly. "Speaking of which, I need to finish getting those toys ready to drop off at the orphanage tonight. Can you do the lights, pooh?"

"No problem, sweetie," she replied. She whistled as she hung the strings of lights on the tree. Joker still hadn't reappeared from his workshop, so Harley grabbed a piece of paper and began writing her letter.

"Dear Santa," she wrote. "I've been an awfully naughty girl lately. Here are some bad things I've done recently."

She grinned as she listed some unsavory events from the past three days. "I know you don't like giving presents to naughty girls, but if you don't bring me nothing, I'm gonna come to the North Pole and shove it where the sun don't shine, you fat bastard," she continued. "So gimme the following: 1. That stuffed dog Mr. J wouldn't buy me because he's a jerk. 2. Mr. J. Several times. 3. Hammer polish. 4. Mr. J lots more times. 5. Dead Bat-brain, so Mr. J won't be distracted by him anymore. And last but definitely not least, Mr. J completely insaitiable. Thanks, Santa baby, you're the greatest. Lots of love, Harley."

The Joker entered the room at that moment, dressed in a red suit and wearing a Santa hat, and carrying a sack of toys over his shoulder. "Wrote my letter to Santa, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, leaping to her feet and rushing over. "You wanna read it?"

He took it from her and read it, smiling. "Geez, you don't want much, do you, baby?" he asked. He pocketed it and patted her head. "Santa will see what he can do."

"You want me to come with you to deliver the toys, puddin'?" asked Harley.

"Nah, you stay here, kid, and finish putting up the decorations. See if you can do something about the hole in the roof too, would ya? And if you have a cup of hot cocoa and a plate of cookies ready for Santa when he gets back, he'll see if he can't give you one of your Christmas presents early. That would be number 2, 4, or 6 on the list," he added, grinning.

"Okie dokie, Mr. C!" said Harley, beaming. "Have fun spreading the Christmas cheer, puddin'!"

Harley smiled to herself as she climbed onto the roof and repaired the gaping hole in it. It was so nice of Mr. J to give those kiddies those toys, even if they were filled with Joker toxin. At least they'd feel special and have fun playing with them for a few seconds before the gas killed them, which was probably more happiness than they'd had most of their lives. And at least they'd go out with a smile. Because how could anyone keep from smiling at Christmas?

She finished hanging the Christmas decorations and then hurried to change into a short, sheer red teddy with white fur trimming and a Santa hat. She had just finished making the cocoa and putting the cookies on a plate when a knock came on the door. Joker had keys, but Harley assumed this was part of the game, and so hurried down the hall and pulled open the door. "Your sexy little Mrs. Claus is just dying to lick your candy cane, pudd…" she began, but stopped when she saw Poison Ivy standing there, looking slightly horrified.

"Oh…hi, Red, what're you doing here?" asked Harley, doing her best to cover the most revealing areas.

"Sorry, Harley, this is clearly a bad time," said Ivy, hastily. "I'll just go…"

"No, no, Mr. J ain't back yet," said Harley. "C'mon in, I'll just put on a robe or something."

"I just wanted to drop off your present," said Ivy, as Harley returned to the hallway wearing a bathrobe. "I didn't want to give it to you at the party in front of everyone because I didn't buy anything for the rest of them."

"Aw, thanks, Red, you shouldn't have!" said Harley, smiling as she took the package. "I just got yours under the tree – I'll go grab it. I would let you come with, but we've just finished decorating and I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise for you."

"Have the decorations changed that much from last year?" asked Ivy. "You've still covered the room with the skeletal husks of dead and dying plants, and you're still forcing the gaudily colored tree to submit to the torture of slow dehydration, I assume?"

"Well…yeah…I mean you gotta have a tree at Christmas, Red," replied Harley. "And there's holly and stuff…you can't have Christmas without dead plants, sorry."

"I do," retorted Ivy.

"Well, I've already told you what I think of your Christmas, haven't I?" retorted Harley. "Anyway, sorry, Red, but at least the room looks really pretty, right? And it looks a lot different from last year - we lost a lotta of the old decorations in the fire. Bats and his family were saved, though."

"That's a relief," said Ivy, sarcastically. Harley returned with a package which she handed to Ivy, beaming.

"Merry Christmas, Red!" she exclaimed, hugging her tightly.

"Merry Christmas, Harley," replied Ivy, returning the hug.

The tender moment was ruined by a voice singing "_He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!_"

And they suddenly heard a bang from the living room. Harley opened the door to see the Joker emerging from the fireplace, covered in soot. "That's a lot harder than it looks," he said, brushing himself off. He saw Harley and his eyes lit up. "Well, hello, my sexy little elf! Does Daddy Claus have a job for you!"

"Red's here, Mr. J," said Harley, nodding.

He chuckled. "Then she better beat it unless she wants to join in the fun. Cause Santa wants to devour this little cookie right now!"

Harley giggled. "We'll see you at the party, ok, Red?" she said, pushing her toward the door. "Thanks for the present, enjoy yours, buh bye!"

"Merry Christmas to you too, J!" shouted Ivy as the door slammed in her face. "Jerk," she muttered.

She heard loud bangings as she walked away, and then, to her surprise, Joker singing, "_You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why – Santa Claus is coming…Santa Claus is coming…_oh, wow, Harley! _Santa Claus is coming…to town_!"

Ivy's face twisted in disgust as she heard him laugh. The clown certainly didn't waste any time. He was a sick bastard, and she was not looking forward to this party. Not one little bit.


	3. Chapter 3

"Can't put this off forever," muttered Ivy to herself, standing on the doorstep, with her hand raised to knock on the door. It was snowing outside, and absolutely freezing, but Ivy preferred being out in the cold than having to go inside to the party. She could hear talking and laughter through the door – the clown's mocking laughter. She hated nothing more in this world, except for his smug, self-satisfied smile. And Batman, obviously.

She kept her fist poised over the door. "C'mon, Ivy," she said, trying to pep herself up. "Just suck it up and do it. The sooner you go in, the sooner you can leave."

She nodded firmly in resolution, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door. It was thrown open a second later by Harley, wearing a red, shoulderless dress trimmed with fur and her usual Harley Quinn cap and makeup. She beamed and hugged her tightly. "Red! I'm so glad you made it! Come on in! And Merry Christmas, baby!"

"Merry Christmas, Harley," said Ivy, returning the hug. "Like the dress."

"Yeah?" she said, beaming. "Mr. J got it for me. Early Christmas present, along with a couple other things on my list." She giggled to herself. "Lemme take your coat, Red. Aw, your dress is real pretty too. But if you don't mind me saying so, it ain't very festive."

"Why not?" asked Ivy. "It's red."

"That don't make it Christmassy," retorted Harley. "I wear red all the time. You need an accessory to make it festive, and I got just the thing!"

She fumbled in her pocket and pulled out a sprig of holly. "There! Put that in your hair!"

"I'm not wearing a corpse on my head!" snapped Ivy.

"Aw, c'mon, Red, don't be a party pooper!" retorted Harley. "It's either that or a Santa hat! Everyone's wearing one, and you wouldn't wanna look stupid, would you?"

"I don't think wearing a Santa hat will exclude me from looking stupid," retorted Ivy.

"Just put it on, Red!" snapped Harley, shoving the holly into her hair. "And try to lighten up, would ya? This is a party!"

"Could have fooled me," muttered Ivy, entering the main room and looking at the assembled collection of misfits. It depressed her that these were the closest people to merit the title of friends in her life. She was an attractive, successful, strong woman – why was she even at a party with the scum of Gotham villainy? She should be living it up with millionaires like Bruce Wayne, not enduring painful conversations with these losers.

"Pammie! You made it! I'm so happy that your car didn't skid on the ice on the way here, crashing into a tree and leaving you a messy, bloody pulp before it set itself on fire and exploded, scattering you into a thousand burnt pieces all over the road!"

Speaking of losers, thought Ivy with a sigh, as the Joker came over to her, dressed in a red suit and Santa hat. Her resentment turned to horror when he suddenly seized her in his arms and planted a kiss on her lips.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" shouted Ivy, shoving him away from her. "Get away from me, you disgusting creep!"

"You shouldn't stand under the mistletoe if you don't wanna be kissed, Pammie!" chuckled Joker, pointing up.

Ivy glared up at yet another dying plant hanging above her head, in agony. "Don't worry, he's done that to everyone!" giggled Harley. "Harvey tried to beat the crap outta him. Some guys just can't take a joke."

Harley suddenly shoved Ivy out of the way. "I'm standing under the mistletoe now, puddin'," she breathed, gazing at Joker dreamily.

"Yeah, yeah, in a second, pooh," he retorted. "Just look after the guests, will ya?"

Harley sighed in disappointment, but obeyed him. Ivy looked around at the other villains, and was relieved to see Selina Kyle standing in a corner, talking to Basil Karlo, who was currently impersonating Jimmy Stewart from _It's a Wonderful Life_.

"…I just don't get the message of the movie," Selina was saying. "Sure, it's a wonderful life since he's got all that money, but then he has to give it all to the bank to save the business. So he's left with nothing at the end but his worthless family and a bunch of annoying friends. And who wants that?"

"My sentiments exactly," said Ivy, grabbing a drink from the table and joining them.

"Ivy, what are you doing here?" asked Selina.

"I was blackmailed into coming," retorted Ivy.

"I think everyone kinda was," said Selina, nodding. "I'm outta here in an hour and on a plane to Monte Carlo. No one would show up to this voluntarily. It's like the party of the damned."

"Second rate horror film, _Village of the Damned_," said Karlo, transforming into George Sanders. "I could have acted the part so much better."

"Sure, Bas, whatever you say," replied Ivy, sharing a glance with Selina. This was really what her holiday had come to. Talking to a washed up horror actor with delusions of grandeur. Could it get any more pathetic?

"Maybe we could play charades later. I'm great at charades," said Karlo, resuming his Clayface form.

"I think whoever is on your team would win pretty easily," retorted Selina. "And what's the fun of a game without a challenge?"

"Aw, you're a kitten after my own heart, Cat Lady!" chuckled Joker, coming over to them. "Speaking of games and challenges, I wish your date could have made it. I, for one, would have given him a warm welcome," he giggled. "Anyway, how is old Bats? Are you and he…y'know?"

He trailed off, and then began making hand gestures which could only be described as rude.

"None of your goddamn business!" snapped Selina. "Why? Are you jealous?"

"And why would I be jealous that you got something besides stockings hung in front of the fire?" replied Joker, grinning.

"Because it doesn't take a doctorate in psychology to see that you're massively in love with the Bat," snapped Selina.

"Hey, he is not!" cried Harley, appearing at that moment. "Mr. J ain't in love with anybody else but me, ain't that right, puddin'?"

"I think you're jealous that Bats always puts me in front of you," retorted Joker. "You're jealous that all your feline wiles haven't been able to make him into your little playtoy. Makes you look kinda bad, don't it, when your boyfriend would rather spend his nights beating the crap outta me than having Kitty climb his scratching post? How do you know Bats ain't in love with me?"

"Because I'm the only one in love with Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "I love him and he loves me, right, puddin'? See what I got, Mr. J?" she said, holding the sprig of mistletoe above his head.

"Hey, that's great, Harley baby," he said, patting her head. "Now why don't you make sure everyone's got a drink, like the good little girl you are?"

Harley sighed again and left. Ivy looked around to see Two-Face across the room, talking with Jonathan Crane, Jervis Tetch, and Victor Fries. Two-Face met her eyes and looked down again, flipping his coin. He looked at it and then excused himself from the conversation, coming over to join them.

"Oh, did I win the coin toss this time?" asked Ivy, sarcastically.

"Merry Christmas to you too, Pam," muttered Two-Face. "Glad you're out of Arkham."

"No thanks to you," snapped Ivy. "I can't believe you just ditched me like that, Harvey! Without a word, all because that stupid coin told you to!"

Joker chuckled. "Aw, what is it with you two gals and being stood up by men? Surely you can do better than the Bat Freak and the Bipolar Wonder? Maybe you should ask Santa for some self-respect this Christmas. Wasting your lives on guys who just aren't that into you – it's pathetic."

"Puddin', I brought cookies and a surprise," said Harley, returning with a tray in one hand and the mistletoe in the other. "Can I have my special mistletoe kiss now?"

"In a minute, you greedy brat!" shouted Joker, rounding on her. "Just beat it, would ya?! Go and be a good hostess before I shove you into the fireplace along with the chestnuts!"

Harley hurried off. Joker turned back around, beaming. "I'll leave you four to it. Pammie, I recommend making a New Years resolution that two is enough chances for this loser. Don't go back to him, whatever happens. And Kitty, Bats just ain't a cat person. There's nothing you can do to change him. If you really love him, let him go."

He patted Selina on the back and strolled off, grinning. "Did he just try to give us relationship advice?" muttered Selina.

"I think so," said Ivy. "But the day I take relationship advice from the clown will be a cold day in hell."

"Well, this is hell. And it is snowing," said Selina, looking up to see flakes drifting down from the ceiling. Ivy turned to see that Mr. Freeze was blasting snow into the air from his gun.

"What are you doing, Victor?" asked Ivy, going over to join him.

"Whatever I have to for Nora," muttered Freeze.

"Oh, Nora, Nora, Nora, give it a rest, Freeze!" snapped Harley, passing with her tray of cookies. "Just change the record, for God's sake! Now where's puddin'? Puddin'? Puddin'!"

Ivy watched her rush over to the sofa where Joker was sitting talking to Tetch and Crane. She seated herself in Joker's lap, ruffling his hair, until he shoved her away again. "What do you mean?" Ivy continued, turning back to Freeze. "Where is Nora?"

"The clown has her," he muttered. "And until I can make him tell me where she is, I'm compelled to do whatever he tells me to for her sake. At the moment, he wants it to be snowing. He said he's dreaming of a White Christmas."

"He probably thinks that's really funny," said Ivy, glaring at Joker. "He's such a bastard."

"He's a man who has never known what it is to love," murmured Freeze. "He treats it as a joke. But it is no joke. Have you ever loved someone, Pamela?"

"Sure," retorted Ivy, shrugging.

"How did it feel to lose them?" asked Freeze. "It is cold, is it not? Colder than the darkest winter, than the deepest snow, than the most biting frost. It makes your heart freeze until you can feel nothing but the emptiness and the cold. The cold like death."

"I'll help you get Nora back," said Ivy gently. "Harley will tell me where she is."

Freeze nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Pamela. Merry Christmas to you."

"Hey, snowman, keep making the white stuff or the ice-dame will enjoy an early spring, get me?!" shouted Joker from the sofa, noticing the snow had stopped.

Freeze gave him a look of utter loathing, but obeyed, as Ivy went over to face Joker.

"…I'm just saying it's not right," Joker was saying to Tetch. "It's just creepy, y'know? I'm not a guy who likes to judge others, but people can't help but get the wrong impression if you go around with a doll who's practically a kid. I mean, admit it, Hat, it does make you kinda a pedophile, doesn't it? The fact that you get off on all that kiddie stuff with a much younger gal? It's disgusting."

"Puddin', since your Harley baby has been a very, very good little girl, can she sit on Santa's lap and have her mistletoe kiss?" pleaded Harley.

"Sure, kiddo, come to Daddy," said Joker, holding out his arms and grinning. She squeaked in happiness and climbed into his lap.

"What?" asked Joker, noticing that Tetch was looking at him pointedly. "You gotta accept the truth about yourself sometime, Hatty old boy. You're a sick freak. Maybe this is the year you should get help for your perverted tendencies."

"You're such a selfless guy, Mr. J," sighed Harley, adoringly. "Saying the things that need to be said, even if no one else is brave enough to say them."

"I do my best, pooh," he replied, grinning at her. She smiled and held the mistletoe over his head, shutting her eyes. He sighed and pecked her on the lips. Harley opened her eyes in annoyance and dropped the mistletoe, seizing his face in both her hands and shoving her open mouth into his.

"Seeing what a nice guy you are really puts your Harley to shame, since she's been such a bad little girl this year," she whispered, drawing away at last. "You wanna hear all the naughty things I've done, Santa baby?"

"Santa does need to check his list twice, sweets," chuckled Joker. "You might as well remind me."

He looked up to see Ivy glaring at him, and grinned at her. "Been a naughty girl yourself this year, Pammie? Wanna tell Daddy Claus all about it?"

Ivy slapped him across the face. "Where's Nora Fries, you sick bastard?" she snapped.

"Aw, not you too, Red!" snapped Harley. "I'm sick of hearing the gal's name! Mr. J promised Santa would bring her back to Victor on Christmas morning, and Mr. J keeps his promises! Victor ain't got nothing to worry about!"

"I don't trust the disgusting piece of slime, Harley!" retorted Ivy. "Where is she, J?"

"That kinda language is going to get you on Santa's naughty list for sure, Pammie," laughed Joker.

"Puddin' is not a disgusting piece of slime!" shouted Harley, leaping to her feet and stepping in between Joker and Ivy. "He's the nicest, sweetest, handsomest, most wonderful man in the whole wide world! If you're gonna be rude, Red, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave before you ruin the whole party atmosphere!"

"I didn't want to come to this stupid party!" shouted Ivy. "And I'll be incredibly happy to leave the moment you tell me where Nora Fries is!"

Joker stood up, gently pushing Harley out of the way and smiling at Ivy. "I'm hurt, Pammie. I go through all this trouble to throw this party for my friends, and you come here with a bad attitude, insult me and my guests, and then start demanding things from me. It's not really in keeping with the spirit of the season, is it? It's a time for generosity and goodwill. I mean, I know you have a pretty crap life, perpetually alone and constantly failing in your chosen career, but why can't you put aside your anger and aggression for just this one day and embrace the holiday spirit? Now c'mon, Christmas hug!"

He held out his arms, beaming.

And Ivy punched him in the face.

Harley shrieked, leaping in front of him and hugging him tightly, turning to glare at Ivy. "What's the matter with you, Red?!" she demanded. "He's just trying to be nice! Why do you have to be so horrible to him all the time?!"

"Why…do…I…?" began Ivy, slowly, staring at Harley in disbelief. Then she grew angry. "You stupid little idiot!" she shrieked. "I'm sick of putting up with both of you! You wanna hear a New Year's resolution?! Here's one for you, J! I resolve never to have anything to do with the both of you ever again! You're dead to me, and if I ever see either of you again, you're gonna be dead to the world! So have a Merry Christmas and a happy goddamn New Year. Without me in it!"

She stormed out of the room to Joker's mocking laughter, slamming the front door on her way out. She headed back towards her hideout, resolving to return to see the clowns once more armed with her crossbow to make Joker tell her where Nora was. After which she would shoot him through the head.

But as she neared her hideout, she saw flashing blue lights. Puzzled, she walked over to watch from a safe distance. She saw that the police had found her hideout and were raiding it, taking out plant after plant, with Batman standing nearby, supervising the removal and talking to Commissioner Gordon.

Ivy muttered a series of swear words, sitting down in the snow and holding her face in her hands. This was the worst Christmas ever. All she had wanted was a little peace and quiet, and to be left alone and relax during the holidays. Now it was Christmas Eve and she was stuck out in the cold with no place to go. Well, there was one place…

She shook her head firmly. No. No, she wasn't going back there. She could go stay with Selina…no, Selina had said she was catching a plane. She could go ask Harvey if he would…no, that last time had been the final straw. She couldn't go back to him. It would be pathetic. And she was too proud to admit to him that the Bat had busted her yet again. But the only other option was…

"Well, look who's back!" said Joker, beaming at Ivy as he opened the door. "Knew you were joking about that whole never seeing us again, Pammie!"

"Batman raided my hideout," snapped Ivy. "I considered turning myself in and staying in Arkham for Christmas, but this seemed slightly less humiliating."

Joker giggled. "Don't pretend you don't secretly enjoy the humiliation, Pammie. Typical dame. No matter what they say, they always come crawling back!" he laughed, gesturing her inside. "Well, the others have left, but you might as well make yourself useful and help Harley with the clean-up."

"Oh. It's you," said Harley, pausing in her sweeping as she noticed Ivy and glaring coldly at her. "What are you doing here, Red? Thought you didn't want to see us no more."

"I told you she was kidding, pooh bear," said Joker, kissing Harley. "Pammie enjoys her little jokes almost as much as I do."

"You come here to apologize?" snapped Harley. "You ruined the party, y'know. Nobody could be cheerful or festive after you said those horrible things. I hope you're pleased with yourself, Red. Why do you have to be so goddamn melodramatic all the time?"

Ivy gritted her teeth. "Harley, you've always been a good friend to me. I'm here because Batman raided my hideout and I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm just going to stay the one night so I don't freeze to death, and in the morning I'll go if you want."

"What I want is a little apology!" shouted Harley. "You tried to ruin Christmas! Mr. J loves Christmas! It's his favorite time of the year, the one day that always makes him smile, and you tried to take that away from both of us by throwing a temper tantrum! The least you can do is apologize! Mr. J's clearly already forgiven you, because he's a great guy like that, but I ain't that much of a pushover! You can't just show up here and expect things to suddenly be ok between us again!"

"I am sorry, Harley," said Ivy, quietly.

Harley glared at her. "You mean that?" she demanded.

"Yes," replied Ivy. "I'm sorry, Harley. I want things to be ok between us again. You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose you over some stupid fight. Merry Christmas?" she asked, holding open her arms.

Harley's face instantly lit up. "Merry Christmas, Red!" she exclaimed, rushing to hug her.

"Aw, ain't that sweet?" said Joker, beaming. "Nothing makes me happier than seeing two loving hearts reunited. Speaking of which, Santa better start his sleigh ride," he chuckled, striding over to the chest freezer and pulling out Nora Fries.

"Better hurry so she don't melt, puddin'," said Harley, kissing his cheek.

"Yeah, yeah, give me a second," said Joker, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a tube of lipstick. He drew a mustache and a goatee on Nora's face then wrote _HA HA HAPPY HOLIDAYS, LOVE J_ adding a smiley face at the bottom of the block of ice.

"Right, bedtime, kiddo, so Santa can bring your presents," said Joker, standing up and slapping Harley's bottom playfully.

"Oooh, I'm too excited to sleep, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, clapping her hands.

"Well, you gotta, or no presents for you, sweets," he said, kissing her nose. "Bed, kid. Now."

She whined but obeyed him, rushing down the hall. Joker pushed Nora outside into the snow, which coated the ground and fell in soft flakes from the sky, then tied her to the roof of his car. "You're really gonna give her back to Victor?" asked Ivy, following him to the door.

"Sure, why not?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Thought you'd think it was funny to, I dunno, kill her or something."

"And why would that be funny?" he asked, turning to face her, puzzled. "Killing people ain't funny on its own, Pammie. Anyone can kill people. You gotta have a gag to go with it, some kinda joke, or what's the point?"

"And you couldn't think of a joke for Nora Fries?" asked Ivy.

Joker shrugged. "Probably, if I really thought about it. But it's Christmas, Pammie, and I'm a busy man tonight. Can't waste my time struggling to come up with jokes that don't really work, not when I got presents to get. It's a busy time of year – you gotta learn to prioritize. That's your problem, Pam. You never put the important things first. I said bed, Harley!" he shouted as she appeared in the doorway, dressed in reindeer pajamas.

"Just wanted to wish Santa good luck with his delivery, puddin'," she murmured, rushing out into the snow and embracing him. "And to say Merry Christmas and tell him I love him so much."

Joker chuckled. "Santa's a lucky guy," he said, pinching her cheek. "Bedtime, pooh. Now."

She squeaked, kissed him again, and then grabbed Ivy's arm. "C'mon, Red, you need to get ready for bed too, or Santa won't come!"

Ivy looked at her. This was childish and stupid, but Harley looked so indescribably happy that Ivy couldn't bear not to play along. "Ok, Harley, I'm coming," she sighed. "See you tomorrow, J. And Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Pammie," he said, smiling at her. "And remember, pooh, no peeking until Christmas morning!" he shouted at Harley.

"Don't worry, Mr. J, I'll be a good girl!" said Harley waving at him. "Bring me lots of presents, ok?"

"Ok, ok, you greedy brat," he snapped. She beamed, blew him a kiss, and then shut the door. Joker looked around at the falling snow and then laughed as he got into his car, smiling to himself and chuckling, "I love Christmas!"


	4. Chapter 4

"IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING!" awoke Ivy early the next day. She rubbed her eyes and blearily glanced at the clock. It was 5 AM.

"CHRISTMAS MORNING!" came the shriek again, and Ivy heard the springs of the bed next door squeaking, as if someone was jumping on it. "C'MON, C'MON, MR. J, WAKE UP! IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING!"

Ivy heard a groan from next door, then a loud bang. She assumed Harley had been pushed off the bed, but she seemed undeterred, for the jumping resumed a moment later as Harley continued to shout, "C'MON, MR. J! CHRISTMAS! C'MON, WAKE UP! I WANNA OPEN PRESENTS!"

There was another loud bang, and then inarticulate shouting followed by several different bangs, as if someone was firing a gun. A second later, the door slammed open and Ivy heard Harley running off down the hall shouting, "Ok, ok, I'll make you some coffee first!"

Ivy shut her eyes, trying to fall back asleep, but she was woken up a few minutes later by a loud knocking on her door. "Red! Wake up! It's Christmas morning! Santa's come and brought presents! C'mon, wake up so we can open them!"

"More interested in sleep than presents, Harley," retorted Ivy, pulling her pillow over her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Red, it's Christmas!" continued Harley. "It's the most magical day of the year! You gotta wake up and enjoy it! C'mon! I got coffee!"

The smell of coffee did the trick in luring Ivy out of bed. She yawned and stretched and opened the door to see Harley still in her pajams, beaming the biggest smile she had ever seen, and holding two mugs of coffee. She shoved one at her, and then spilled it by leaping into her arms and crying, "Merry Christmas, baby!"

"Yeah…Merry Christmas, Harl," yawned Ivy, patting her on the back.

Harley kissed her cheek. "Just gonna go wake up Mr. J! Might give him one of his Christmas presents in bed, y'know, really wake him up by starting Christmas off with a little private bang, so you relax and have your coffee and we'll be out to open presents soon, kay?"

It was too early for Ivy to fully process what Harley meant, and she didn't really want to, so she just nodded and headed back to bed as Harley rushed off to their room. She dropped off to sleep again fairly easily, until she heard another bang from next door, and then the Joker's chuckle. "Oh, baby, popping the can o'snakes is the best visual gag you've ever done! Aw, I love ya, kid! Merry Christmas!"

He kept laughing, which prevented Ivy from sleeping, as did the thought of what visual gag Harley could have used a can o'snakes for, so she slowly got dressed until Harley knocked on her door again.

"C'mon, Red, present time!"

Ivy opened the door to see Harley still in her reindeer pajamas and the Joker wearing a purple bathrobe, smiling from ear to ear as he patted Harley's head affectionately. "Morning, J," yawned Ivy. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too, Pammie!" said Joker, starting forward with arms outstretched.

"I'd prefer it if you didn't touch me, thanks," said Ivy, hastily. "I don't know where your hands have been."

He laughed. "Ask Harley," he giggled.

"Puddin's getting on Santa's naughty list nice and early for next year!" giggled Harley.

"What a great image to start Christmas with," sighed Ivy.

"Aw, don't worry, Pammie, you'll have another one soon," chuckled Joker as they walked down the hall to the main room. "You should see Harley tearing open her presents – she's like a lion ripping apart an antelope. But I think this year she's going to have competition," he giggled.

"What, from me?" asked Ivy, puzzled.

"No, no," he laughed. "Stay here a second, pooh, and let me check on something," he said, opening the door to the main room. He peered in, laughed again, and threw open the door, flicking on the lights and saying, "Merry Christmas, baby!"

Harley looked, stunned, under the tree, where a giant pile of stuffed animals, including the dog she had asked for, were being ripped apart by a yipping pair of hyena cubs, their tails wagging in excitement. Harley stared at them for a moment and then let out a high-pitched scream of excitement, throwing herself into Joker's arms. "Oh, Mr. J!" she shrieked. "Oh, I love you! I love you so much, puddin'! This is the best present anyone's ever got me! Aren't they just the cutest, most precious things in the whole wide world?!" she exclaimed, rushing toward them. They bounded off the pile of destroyed animals and leaped into her waiting arms, licking and nipping her affectionately. "Oh, babies! You're just the sweetest babies in the world, aren't you? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! And Mommy loves you so much, yes she does!" she cooed, cuddling them close. "Oh, Mr. J!" she breathed, picking the wriggling cubs up and going over to him. She kissed him tenderly. "Oh, thank you so much, puddin'! Ain't they just gorgeous, Red?" she asked, holding one out to Ivy.

Ivy looked at the slobbering, hairy thing her arms and tried not to wrinkle her nose in disgust. "I'm not really an animal person, Harley," she said. "But if you like them, that's what matters."

"Like them?" Harley repeated. "I love them! I love them so much, my cuddly, sweet, cute little babies!" she squealed, holding them tightly. She put them down reluctantly and kissed Joker again. "Wait here, puddin', just need to get your present! Don't think it'll be as great as mine, but what could be?"

She kissed him again and rushed off down the hall. Joker picked up a stuffed animal from the pile and threw it at a cub. "They are cute little things, aren't they?" he chuckled as the hyena ripped the animal's head off.

"Like I said, not an animal person," replied Ivy, backing away as the other cub came toward her and leapt up. "Get offa my leg!" snapped Ivy, kicking it away.

Joker giggled. "Aw, see he likes you, Pammie! No male can resist you, whatever the species!"

He kept laughing as he sat down on the floor and petted the cubs, who began climbing all over him, licking him. He grabbed another stuffed animal and began playing tug of war with them. "Maybe I can teach you mutts some tricks," he said, grinning. "Go get Pammie!" he shouted, throwing the toy at her. The hyenas chased after it.

"I said off!" shouted Ivy, kicking at the cubs again.

"Hey, Red, don't kick the babies!" exclaimed Harley, entering the room at that moment and dragging a giant Santa sack. She rushed over to the cubs and cuddled them. "Poor, sweet, innocent little darlings! Mommy's here now to protect you from the nasty plant lady! Honestly, Red, there's no need to be mean just because you don't feel the same way as I do about them! I don't go around picking flowers or cutting weeds or anything outta respect for you!"

Ivy was about to point out the giant Christmas tree and the strings of holly in the room, but realized it wouldn't make a difference. Harley cooed over the hyenas some more, and then returned to the sack, dragging it to the tree. "There you go, Mr. J!" she exclaimed, turning to him and beaming. "Merry Christmas, baby!"

Joker untied the sack, peeked inside, and laughed hysterically. "Aw, baby, you're the greatest! It's just what I've always wanted!"

He pulled down the sack to reveal Batman, tied and unconscious. The hyena cubs rushed over this new friend and began licking his face, and Batman stirred. He slowly regained consciousness to the beaming faces of the Joker and Harley Quinn.

"Merry Christmas, Bats!" exclaimed Joker, hugging him tightly. "This is such a swell surprise from my Harley girl! You're gonna spend the day with us and Pammie and it's just gonna be the best Christmas ever!"

Batman noticed that Ivy was there too, glaring at him in utter loathing. He tried to reach his utility belt through his ropes, but realized he wasn't wearing it. He looked up to see Harley handing it to Joker, kissing him gently. "Merry Christmas, sweetie," she whispered.

"You jerk," muttered Ivy. "It's your fault I have to be here today, when I could have spent a nice, relaxing Christmas on my own in my own place! But you had to go and raid it! Merry Christmas, you dumb bastard!"

She punched him hard in the face, but Joker shoved her away, embracing Batman protectively and glaring at Ivy. "Hey, nobody said you could play with my toy, Pammie! Bats is my Christmas present! Hands off!"

"Oooh, whaddya get me, Red?" asked Harley, seizing the package Ivy had given her and ripping it open. She pulled off the lid to reveal a set of lingerie, decorated with Batman logos.

"Thought J would be really into that, being massively in love with the Bat and all," said Ivy. "Although I didn't know Bats would be here to see it. I would say I'm sorry for giving you that image, Bats, but I'm not really."

"He ain't massively in love with the Bat!" snapped Harley. But her face instantly brightened as she held it up. "Thanks, though, Red, it's really cute! I got you something else too, since you probably lost the other present in the raid!" she said, beaming at her and handing her a package. "I was saving it for your birthday, but I guess I'll have to find you something else now."

"Hang on, pooh, we'll give her both of ours at the same time," said Joker, reaching under the tree and picking up his gift to Ivy. "Sorry we didn't get you anything, Bats, but I for one didn't know you'd be here! I guess I'll just have to give you my warm hospitality!"

He giggled, kissing his cheek. Ivy unwrapped Joker's first – it was a knife. "What am I meant to do with this, aside from stab you in the face?" asked Ivy.

"Open Harley's present," chuckled Joker. Ivy did, to reveal a doll knitted to look like Two-Face. "Go nuts!" laughed Joker. "Cut him as many different faces as you want!"

"Did you make this yourself, Harley?" asked Ivy, surprised.

"Yeah," replied Harley, beaming. "It was a lotta work, but I thought it would be worth it to see the look on your face when you're stabbing it!"

"I wouldn't want to ruin something you made me…" began Ivy, but at that moment, one of the hyena cubs seized the doll in its jaws and began ripping it apart.

"Aw, baby, no!" exclaimed Harley, trying to pull it away from him. "Bad! Put it down, sweetie! That's Red's!"

The cub tugged harder, thinking it was a game, and Harley ripped the head off. She looked at it for a moment as the hyena sat down to chew on the body contentedly, then handed the head to Ivy. "You can still cut him a new face," she said, shrugging.

Ivy was really starting to hate the hyenas. And so, she could tell, was Batman. He was powerless to push them away as they climbed all over him, licking his face and gnawing on his ropes, chuckling to themselves.

"What are we gonna name the babies, puddin'?" asked Harley, gazing at them adoringly as she leaned against Joker's chest.

"They're funny little guys," chuckled Joker, as one began chewing on the point of Batman's mask. "We should name 'em after a comedy duo."

"Stan and Ollie?" asked Harley.

Joker shook his head. "Nah, not quite right."

"Amos and Andy?"

"No, don't think so. How about…"

"Bud and Lou?"

Joker laughed. "I was just thinking that, baby. Yeah, Bud and Lou suits 'em, somehow. Little Bud and Lou."

He petted them affectionately as they came over to them. Then he turned to Harley and kissed her. "Right, kiddo, hot cocoa, breakfast, and movie time! Hop to it!"

"C'mon, babies, help Mommy in the kitchen!" called Harley. They raced after her, tails wagging.

"Harley and I have a couple of traditions on Christmas Day," explained Joker to Ivy and Batman. "After presents we have breakfast and hot cocoa and watch _It's a Wonderful Life_. You ever seen _It's a Wonderful Life_, Bats?"

"No," growled Batman, looking around and trying to figure out some way to escape this nightmarish situation he found himself in.

"Aw, you're in for a real treat!" chuckled Joker, dragging him over to the TV. "It's a real feel good classic! Reminds you just how great it is to be alive! I just can't stop smiling all the way through it!"

There were worse ways to spend Christmas morning than sitting through a classic movie, thought Ivy. She sat on the sofa enjoying breakfast and cocoa with Joker and Harley, while Batman sat on the floor with the hyenas. But she hadn't counted on the fact that Joker and Harley seemed to have every single line of the film memorized, and spoke them along with the characters in it.

"Look Daddy! Teacher says every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings!" exclaimed Harley, along with the movie.

"That's right! That's right! Atta boy, Clarence!" said Joker. The two of them then began singing along to _Auld Lang Syne_, largely out of tune, with the hyenas joining in. "The End" appeared on screen and Ivy let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank God that's over," she muttered.

"Oh, puddin', it just gives me a warm fuzzy glow inside!" giggled Harley, hugging him.

"Don't it just make you wanna smile, Bats?" exclaimed Joker, beaming at him. "It's a bit like us, ain't it? I mean, if you or me were suddenly erased from existence, just think how boring and depressing the world would be! I know my life would be empty without you!"

Batman didn't respond - he was still desperately trying to think of a way to escape. If he could just reach a knife or something…

Harley stood up and went over to the fireplace, grabbing her stocking and stuffing a handful of candy in her mouth. "Hey, don't eat all that, you greedy brat, you'll spoil your appetite!" exclaimed Joker, snatching it away from her. "I ain't gonna be slaving over dinner all day just to have you not eat it!"

"_You're _making Christmas dinner, J?" asked Ivy, astonished.

"Yeah, Harley's a lousy cook," retorted Joker. "So it's the one day of the year I contribute. I won't be forced to eat crap at Christmas – it's just not right. I better go get dressed and get started, actually. You entertain Bats while I'm gone, pooh," he said, patting her head.

"You two wanna help me train the babies?" asked Harley, beaming at them as Joker left. "We can try teaching them to sit! C'mon, babies, sit down, sweetie!" she cooed.

Ivy wasn't an animal person, but even she knew when training animals, you had to be firm and disciplined, two things Harley just wasn't by nature. She fawned over them as they ignored her commands, petting them and treating them just for being cute. Ivy guessed finding being ignored and disregarded adorable was just in Harley's nature. That was why she was crazy. Ivy herself kept her eye on Batman, making sure he didn't try anything and wasn't near any sharp objects. The last thing she was going to do was spend Christmas in Arkham, and even if she had to beat Joker's Christmas present to a bloody pulp, she was going to keep her vow.

They heard the front door slam at last. "Daddy's back!" shrieked Harley, rushing out into the hall with hyenas at her heels. They all three leapt at him, sending the plate of turkey he was carrying clattering to the ground.

"Aw, dammit, Harley, that's dinner!" shouted Joker, furiously. "Pick it up now, before Bud and Lou get it!"

"Sure, Mr. J," said Harley, scrambling to grab the turkey away from the jaws of one of the hyenas. She examined it carefully. "Looks ok," she said, dusting it off.

"Yeah, no thanks to you," he snapped. "Make yourself useful and take the rest of the stuff in the car to the dining room, would ya? Pammie, Bats, dinner!" he called.

Ivy entered, dragging Batman behind her, to see several dishes of prepared food laid on the table. "Oh," she said. "When you said you were making Christmas dinner, you meant…"

"I meant I would have a family donate theirs!" chuckled Joker. "Tis the season of giving and all! And as I have to suffer crap cooking most of my life, it's the least they can do to be generous and help out the less fortunate. It's a time for charity, after all."

Harley and Ivy sat down, and Ivy placed Batman in a chair next to her as the hyenas scrambled underneath, sitting near Harley's chair and begging. Joker stood at the head of the table, picking up a knife and beginning to carve the turkey with precision. "This takes me back to Christmas '02, you remember that one, Bats?" he giggled.

"I do, Mr. J!" cried Harley. "It was the Merry Mutilation year, wasn't it?"

"Quite right, pooh," replied Joker, smiling. "It's just not the same carving up a dead, cooked bird. I miss the screaming, y'know?"

"You want me to scream for you, puddin'?" asked Harley.

"Yeah, go ahead, kid, might be nice," he said. Ivy covered her ears as Harley let out a series of high-pitched screams to coincide with Joker's slicing. He giggled. "Much better!"

The screaming continued until the turkey was carved. "Pammie, hand me Bats's plate," he said. "Guest of honor should be served first. You like dark or white meat, Bats? Wait, don't tell me, lemme guess!" he chuckled. "You ain't called the White Knight, are ya?"

"Mashed potatoes, cranberries, pumpkin pie, aw, this looks perfect, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, clapping her hands.

"Yeah, help yourself to the rest," he said. "Pammie, you might have to help Bats. Pumpkin pie?"

"Yes?" said Harley.

"Not you, Harley, I was asking Bats if he wanted some pumpkin pie," retorted Joker.

"Oh." Harley giggled. "I'm sure he does. Bats likes his pie."

"That's not what I hear from Kitty!" chuckled Joker. They both burst out laughing. Ivy tried to ignore them, but she had to admit, the food was good. She would have been happy to have seconds, but after everyone had been served, Joker threw the rest of the food on the floor for the hyenas, which, needless to say, did not warm Ivy's feelings towards them.

"Picture time!" said Harley suddenly, standing up and clapping her hands in excitement. "And we won't have to set the timer this time! You can take our family photo this year, can't you, Red?"

"I guess," sighed Ivy. They returned to the main room, where Joker placed Batman in front of the fireplace. He and Harley stood either side of him, holding a hyena each. "Oooh, wait, wait, wait, pooh!" said Joker suddenly, handing Harley the cub. "I wanna give Bats his present first! Picked up something for you while I was out, Bats, because I felt bad that you were the only one without gifts this morning." He returned carrying a wrapped parcel. Joker flicked out his knife, cut Batman's ropes, and then held it to his neck, handing him the package. "Go on, open it," he chuckled.

Batman obeyed. A cream pie on a spring shot out and splattered in his face. The photo Ivy ended up taking was of the moment afterward, with Batman's face covered in pie filling, Joker laughing hysterically, and Harley kissing Batman's cheek while the hyenas licked pie from his face. And a moment later, Joker had grabbed the poker by the fireplace and struck Batman in the head, knocking him unconscious.

"What now, Mr. J?" asked Harley.

"Now I do my Christmas good deed," chuckled Joker, dragging Batman's body out of the room and into the hall. He opened the door and threw it out in the snow.

"You're letting him go?" asked Ivy, incredulous.

Joker laughed. "Remember what I told Kitty, Pammie. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. And Bats always comes back to me."

He threw the utility belt out after him and slammed the door, giggling. "Well, what a great day, but I don't mind telling you, I'm beat!" he yawned. "Ready to hit the sack, kiddo?" he asked Harley.

"Sure, Mr. J," she said, kissing his cheek. "Can the babies sleep with us?"

"Think it's probably best you tie them up outside, pooh," he replied.

"Aw, but it's freezing out there, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley. "And they're so warm and snuggly!"

"Yeah, so am I, kid," he retorted. "And I don't wanna be crowded."

Harley stuck her bottom lip out. "You have to be nice and generous, puddin'!" she snapped. "It's Christmas!"

The clock struck midnight at that moment. "Not anymore it ain't," retorted Joker. "So tie the mutts up outside, you worthless dame, or it won't be funny!"

"I ain't gonna let the babies freeze, you dumb jerk!" shouted Harley.

"You're gonna do as I say!" he shouted.

"I'm just gonna go to bed," said Ivy, quickly. "Thanks for today – it was a nice Christmas."

"Yeah?" asked Harley, beaming at her. "You really think so, Red?"

Ivy felt she probably shouldn't lie at Christmas. But since it wasn't technically Christmas anymore, she nodded and said, "Sure I do, Harley."

"You wanna spend next Christmas with us too?" asked Harley, excitedly. "I'm already looking forward to it!"

"I'll…think about it," said Ivy, slowly.

"Bud, Lou, leave Red alone!" said Harley, trying to pull the cubs off her. "Sorry, Red, they've just got this attraction to you…"

"Yeah. Curse my fatal allure," retorted Ivy, rolling her eyes. "You two sleep well. Merry Christmas."

Ivy headed to her room and shut the door. She was just about to drop off when she suddenly heard barking and yapping, and Joker shouting, "Harley! I said outside, you useless, stupid woman!" The barking was joined by a series of shouting and bangings as Ivy heard them get into one of their usual fights. She sighed, pulling the pillow over her head. No matter how much Harley begged her, she promised herself, next Christmas she was spending alone.

**The End**


End file.
